The Fat Bloke Diaries

Episode Sixty-Three – Santa Baby

A few FBDs ago I said that Santa was getting ready for his yearly outing. I got some feedback saying that I was a little premature with my Christmas wish list then. Well it’s time for a follow-up. No doubt that the same people will complain this week that I’ve left it a little too late.

Back then I presented a list of exercise-related gifts and inventions that I would be delighted to find in my stocking come Christmas morning. But as we all know, healthy living takes two forms: how your body burns off fuel, and what form that fuel takes on the way in. So this week I’m presenting the Fat Bloke Festive Foodies’ Christmas list.

If I’ve been a bad bloke, then none of these will be stuffed down my metaphorical chimney, but maybe Santa will look kindly upon me and bring some:

· Self-limiting alcohol. You can drink as much of it as you like, but after you’ve reached a certain amount it stops having an effect on you. Perhaps it could come with two limit settings – ‘still fit to drive’ and ‘happy buzz but retaining all clothing’.
· Expanding foodstuff. You can eat whatever you want, but it swells up hugely when it contacts stomach acids, thereby making you immediately feel full. It would probably be handy if it could shrink again after a few hours though for ease of egress.
· Dried fruit that creates an allergic reaction. So at Christmas we’d have one mince pie, but then be put off, so there would be no more pastries or plum pudding for the duration.
· Pizza-flavoured vegetables. If we can make gooey mush taste like pepperoni for consumption in space, then why can’t we do the same with sprouts? It’d make Christmas dinner a whole lot more palatable. Linda McCartney sausages are already part of the way there. Just shape them into balls, add some food colouring…
· More modified sprouts. Why can’t we infuse Satan’s festive bon-bons with antacid tablets? If I’m going to force them down, let me at least get some benefit from them.
· Any delicious food that is genetically modified to remove its calorific content. I’d happily forego my anti-GM principles if it meant that I could eat more pizza.
· Thin turkeys. Everyone these days demands that their bird is free range. I want one that comes certified as being strapped to a treadmill for its entire adult life. That way I’ll be certain that there’s not an ounce of fat on it.
· Tasty gum. We can already get mint flavoured chewing gum and fruit flavours, so why not roast dinner or cheesecake flavour? That way we could have all the taste but none of the calories.
· A fluorescent Christmas Pudding for tee-totallers. It would mean they could finally stop using paraffin.
· A band that fits around the throat? It shouldn’t be tight enough to affect breathing, but should restrict the ability to swallow anything, like those elastic bands that fishermen fit around cormorants’ necks. So we’d be able to taste food but not get the fattening effects.
· Fat-binder pills that really work. The only way I can see this happening is if each one contains a little nanorobot that’s an expert liposuctioneer.
· A new law dictating that we can only eat what we prepare with our own hands. So if that’s meat, we have to raise, kill and butcher the animal; if it’s vegetable we have to plant and grow it ourselves.
· Or another law limiting the portion sizes served in restaurants. Americans would be exempt, obviously.

So come on Santa, let’s have some of these please. I’ll even leave you out an extra mince pie…


© Shaun Finnie 2009
 

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