Episode Fifty-Eight – Tell Me What you Want (What you Really, Really Want)
Santa
is coming.
Don’t look like that, it’s not as if it’s a surprise. Christmas falls
on the same date every year. For weeks now he’s been receiving letters from boys
and girls of every nation. He’s got his widely-reported ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’ lists. I
suspect he has a third list too, for those kids that are just plain ‘Evil’.
And then
there’s me. It’s not for me to say which list I’d fall under, but if I’m going to
make it onto any, then it’s time that I too started writing my letter to the jolly
red-faced elf. I think he should do some cardio work.
My new found interest in all
things healthy should be reflected in my Christmas Wish List this year. Lightweight
food is out of the question – it’s the season of the feast after all – so it has
to be boys’ toys. So here’s a list of gadgets that I wish Marks & Spencer would really
stock. (instead of all those golfing devices that only appeal to non-golfers);
- Comfortable cycle seats. Maybe a little cushioned number shaped like a bar stool.
Complete with optics.
- Bike brakes that automatically apply when the cyclist is approaching a red light.
These would be no use to the cyclist, but the other road users would really appreciate
it.
- A full sensory replacement helmet for treadmill runners. The dull environment of
the gym could be replaced with the sights, sounds and smells of the country. They
could even include a ‘gerroff my laaand’ angry farmer expansion pack.
- An anti-bounce compression belt to suck in my belly for me when I jog past an attractive
lady. There could be an advanced version with a built in liposuction tap too.
- An entry-level version of the above could just be belly-scaffolding. Something like
a shock absorber bra but designed for the manly beer gut.
- An additional subscription service for the Wii Fit. The user could download an ‘exercise
of the month’ maybe, or even new faces and outfits for the virtual trainers. Oh,
the possibilities.
- Weighing scales that are sensitive to the user’s moods. The in-built voice chip could
say, “Woo-hoo, you’ve lost four pounds! Go and pour a vodka”. Or if the weight loss
hadn’t been so successful and you were in a foul mood, it could say “Don’t worry
about it, you have a lovely personality. Go and pour a vodka.”
- Shorts which automatically apply the right amount of salve to your friction-induced
hot spots before they get a chance to turn into real chafing or blisters. Even better,
they should be adjustable to apply more than the required amount, if that’s what
you want. They’d have to be gender specific though. Obviously.
- Some specialised running shoes. Maybe with lots of balloons attached so that I really
could be light on my feet. Or perhaps the soles could be filled with high-powered
springs to give my jogging a Tigger-like boost. A four mile trot? That’s one small
step for a fat bloke…
- Those Garmin wrist devices are great, but how much better would they be if they had
a talking Sat-Nav built in. One that counts down the number of metres to the end
of your run, or at least tells you the directions to the nearest pub.
- A climate controlled full-body bubble could keep the worst of the elements at bay.
And if you get too tired, you could just roll for a little while till you get your
breath back.
- Maybe an invisibility cloak for running through some of the rougher areas around
South Yorkshire. And Ninja trainers to make my steps silent.
- Infrared goggles would mean that I could run safely at night too. If anything or
one were coming to me with evil intent in the night, I’d be able to see them. Of
course, if they’re coming at me then that implies that they can see me too. So one
final thing…
- A lightweight portable flamethrower built into my water bottle. If the local Burberry
boys can drive through puddles and splash me with their car, I can take them out
with a high-pressure jet of burning propane. From behind my invisibility cloak. Let’s
see what their insurance makes of that.
I hope my Beloved reads this. She might have a secret chat with Father Christmas.
I can’t imagine her getting all that lot into my stocking though. Not without laddering
it.
Actually, what I wish that he could bring me most of all is something to give
me some willpower. Preferably pizza flavoured.
© Shaun Finnie 2009