The Fat Bloke Diaries
Episode Forty-
My Beloved only runs with me on the shorter
distances these days. We didn’t need to discuss it, it was just one of those things
that couples who have been together for a long time automatically know, like which
one of you is in the wrong when you argue (for you single people reading this, it’s
the male one, every time).
One day we both just realised that the distance was more
than she was comfortable with. I went out alone. Neither of us needed to mention
that it was going to be a ‘long run’ day. She didn’t offer to come and I didn’t ask
her to. But she still braves the elements on the shorter, faster runs of under two
miles. She’s far quicker than me over these distances and her motivation and pacesetting
are hugely appreciated, especially as I get closer to my date with destiny and the
Great Yorkshire Run.
Recently though she’s been distracted during these still impressive
jogs by an unexpected source. We live in a pretty rural area, and we run as much
as possible on the paths and lanes away from the main roads. So it shouldn’t really
come as much of a surprise when every half mile or so she suddenly pulls up and calls
me back. And like a fool, I fall for it. Every time.
“What’s up?” I’ll ask, backing
up (‘Beep! Beep! Wide vehicle reversing’) and trotting breathlessly on the spot beside
her. It’s at this point that she’ll point into the depths of some wild hedgerow and
say “Look at all those blackberries”. That’s it. That’s why she’s stopped me, to
look at some blackberries. Or maybe this time it’ll be apples, or wild cherries perhaps.
These last ones actually turned out to be plums, but what do we know? We’re displaced
city kids.
You can imagine how frustrating this is, when I’m training hard for my
‘event’ (get me, talking like an athlete). It throws all my pace and timing out,
starts me cooling down just at the point when I should be warming up… and makes me
sound like a fat bloke who’s taking himself far too seriously.
This has been happening
all summer and is getting much worse now that we’re into peak foraging season, so
now I’ve begun taking even these shorter treks on my own. My beloved Beloved has
started going for walks in the daytime while I’m working, replacing me with a basket
as she plunders the free fruit along the way. Nature will always exact a price for
Her bountiful harvest though, and I think that She may be a little annoyed at how
we’ve covered our front garden with bark chippings instead of the lush green vegetation
that was there before. Mother Nature may love weeds but we don’t, so out they went.
So maybe the wasp that launched a vicious attack on the Beloved’s fingers as she
reached into the berry bush was working to higher orders? Or maybe lower ones. There’s
an old proverb that roughly translates as ‘God made bees but the Devil made the wasp’.
I’ve always heard it told in German, but I think that when it stung her she may have
been screaming the Swahili version.
So I mostly run solo routes now, short ones and
long ones, like the 10k that I did last Sunday. It was just me, the road and my music,
the usual eclectic mix.
[WARNING! Music geek alert!]
I was listening to Meat Loaf
as I hit the bottom of the Hill of Doom for the second time. Todd Rundgren’s dramatic
‘motor cycle’ guitar chords kicked in powerfully and I was transformed from being
a fat bloke into The Barnsley Bolt. I almost literally flew to the top like the proverbial
album title, singing along quietly under my non-
I’ve discovered, as so many have before me, that longer
songs with a faster beat help me to run better. There’s no way that I’m going to
stop in the middle of a track so the length of the remix helps, but who’d have thought
that I’d ever listen to techno. I’ve no idea how some of this stuff made it into
my collection, but I’ll keep it there if it makes me run faster, if only so that
I get the track over and done with quicker. And anyway, the Beloved dislikes that
kind of bum-
And we’ve not fallen out over her not increasing her training at the same rate
as I am; we’ve turned it to our advantage. Like tonight, for example. I went jogging
alone, at a speed and distance of my own choosing, and I came back to a freshly made
apple and blackberry crumble. It was delicious, and made even better by the fact
that she got many of its ingredients for nothing.
If you don’t count the wasp sting.
© Shaun Finnie 2009