The Fat Bloke Diaries

Episode Forty-Five – Ballad of a Not Very Thin Man

(in 3/4 time)

My trousers were all just a little too tight
My snoring woke up my Beloved at night
And my naked form was a horrible sight
So something just had to be done
Being a fat bloke had ceased to be fun

An exercise bike was the first weapon bought
As I toiled in the hunt for the thinness I sought
I sweated for hours and the good fight I fought
Gainst the perils of obesity
For a fat bloke I’d no longer be

On my big metal steed all the miles I’ll rack up
I’ll trot and I’ll canter; I’ll even gal-lop
Till the sweat in my shorts overfilleth my cup
So I’ll soon be reporting with joy
That I’m freeing my inner thin boy

The help of Beloved I can’t overstate
She’s been driving me on with the switch and the bait
And dramatically cut what’s served up on my plate
When dinner time circles around
The pies have been thin on the ground

I pedalled like mad but my weight stayed the same
And I still was the size of a Pantomime Dame
So the time came that I had to step up my game
My rhyming’s not too bad, and yet
I'll not be Poet Laureate

I couldn’t face gym and I dislike the pool
The athletes and jocks make me look such a fool
For I’m still a mere novice in exercise school
Group fitnessing isn’t for me
I crave something more solitary

Some tentative steps round the South Yorkshire streets
Brought a wheeze to my lungs and an ache to my feet
But I speeded my step and would not face defeat
For I’d splashed out on good running shoes
And would soon be announcing Big News

Shopping for kit has put me to the test
I’ve spent more on my trainers than my Sunday best
But it’s better than running in pants and in vest
Like they threatened forgetters at school
Who hadn’t brought trunks for the pool

I ran and I ran and my mileage increased
As I rampage around like a rampaging beast
And a shocking announcement eventually released
That I’ve entered a 10k road race
I just hope I can handle the pace

I gasp on the flat and I wheeze up inclines
I’d be lying to say that my body feels fine
But it’s good to see my BMI in decline
While my muscles and knees ache and groan
I’ve lost the best part of three stone

I’m nearly there now with just three weeks to go
And I’ll finish the distance no matter how slow
Come hell or high water or even in snow
There’ll be blood, sweat and tears, and some smiles
For a distance of six point two miles

I’m doing much more than a ten metre dash an’
It’s all for a reason, I’m raising some cash an’
I’m asking you nicely, I’m asking with passion
Please consider sponsoring me
Just Giving dot com, slash, shaunfinnie


© Shaun Finnie 2009
 

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